Things have been a bit exciting in the city of St. Louis for nurse Mercy Watts. She has been a reluctant participant in some high-profile cases lately, and some of my colleagues have shown her in a less than flattering light. My intention was to sit down with her to afford her the opportunity to shed things in a more positive light. However, Ms. Watts was a rather reluctant, and at times, hostile interviewee.
First of all, I wanted to say that it’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Ms. Watts. The feeling is not mutual. I know you’re going to portray me as slutty nitwit, so let’s get this over with.
I wanted to interview you to give you a chance to tell your side of your adventures. Some of the press have shown you in an unflattering light. How do you feel about that? It sucks. I saw the photo you’re using with this article. I’ve never worn a Cat Woman outfit in my entire life. That’s not my body. I’m not even sure it’s my head. (Editor’s note: We would never use an unflattering photo to cause any type of embarrassment to Ms. Watts…although after this interview was over, we were sorely tempted…)
Let’s get this out of the way: Marilyn. The comparisons must get tiresome after a while. Do you ever wish it would just stop? Of course. I actually look like this. I was born this way. No dye. No surgery, despite what you media people like to report.
How is your lovely mother doing following her stroke? I heard she had made some great strides in her recovery. Is your father still hovering around her and driving her crazy? My mother is good. I’m not going to talk about her, because she’s a private person and she’d kick my butt if I did. As far as my dad goes, thanks to the media, he’s having to rebuild his career because you reported that he lost his mind over my mom. Thanks for that. Now he sending me to interviews. Fan-freaking-tastic.
You’ve been involved in a lot of cases. Which one would you say is your most memorable one? Well, Kent Blankenship bit my face when I was trying to get my dad out of the FBI’s clutches after Scott Frame attacked my mother. That was pretty freaking memorable.
Despite your protests, you are heavily involved in your father’s detective agency. Why not just admit defeat and join the family business already? I just got fired, so that’s looking more and more likely. Please tell the public that I don’t work at the Columbia Clinic anymore. All the nut jobs out there can stop ramming it with trucks, tractors, Humvees or whatever. I am not going to wrestle anybody in the mud. I don’t care what they’re trying to set fire to. I’m done.
Your partner, Aaron, didn’t have much to say for himself when I went to see him. He kept trying to feed me some kind of donut thing that smelled like crab. What can you tell me about him? You know as much as I do. He makes great hot chocolate and I think he has sisters. (Editor’s note: Aaron did offer us food and hot chocolate during our interview. It was heavenly and orgasmic.)
We know you have a significant other, Detective Chuck Watts. How does he feel about your cases, and will there be wedding bells in your future? He hates everything about me working for my dad. I’m not crazy about the risks he takes either, so I guess we’re even. No wedding. We can’t even move in together successfully. He has a poodle. I have a cat. They collaborate. It’s not a good thing.
A reliable source tells me there is a connection between you and Calpurnia Fibonacci? How does your father feel about this? Your source sucks. I don’t know Calpurnia Fibonacci. Give me a break. (Editor’s note: We contacted our source and asked them if it was possible they were wrong regarding the connection between Ms. Watts and Ms. Fibonacci. Their only answer was to hang up on us. Something going on there that we may have to investigate further.)
Tell me about Stella Bled Lawrence. Stella is a Bled cousin. I never met her. For the record, she was a hero and never stole anything from Holocaust victims. And before you ask, no, the Bleds aren’t going to turn over anything over to the art museum or anybody else. My godmothers consider returning the belongings to their rightful owners a sacred duty. I doubt any government-ruled entity would.
How worried are you about the Klinefeld Group continuing to go after you, your family, and the Bled sisters? All I have to say is that they better leave my mother alone, or we’re going to have a problem.
Is it possible that you are, in fact, a Bled, but someone in your family doctored some documents to hide this from you? I don’t see how I could be a Bled. We’ve looked at our family tree from every angle. There’s no Bled on there. Nobody doctored anything. I’d love to be a Bled.
Are you planning on doing more singing with DBD, or will you go solo? Are you serious? I’d like a do-over on what I’ve already done, but yes, I’ll doing more with DBD. Micky will find a way to make me and I have bills to pay. (Editor’s note: When contacted, Micky said, “Oh hell yeah, she’s going to be doing more stuff with us! She freakin’ rocks!)
What are your plans for the foreseeable future? I plan to never do another interview. It won’t work out for me, though.
Mercy Watts is the main character created by A.W. Hartoin. This is an excellent series of books (that I’ve read twice). Ms. Hartoin has also written a book about Stella Bled Lawrence, with a second one being worked on currently. I appreciate her taking time out to answer my questions, and I hope you all will check out her books!